WAITING FOR BLOOMSDAY
By Yohanna Abdullah
The wait started since a month ago
to see my precious children
born of love and lust
two people who trusted one another
never to wreck the matrimonial bed
with seeds of infidelity
Yet one fine day one such seed was sown
for the eyes innocent and blind blinded,
struck dumb in shock a third party in the holy bed
the bed holy no more
slept no more
except to rest tired, separate minds
Hearts once united now in discord
they play to different songs
one of trysts and wanderlust
one of madness and despair
In the hearts of hearts
lies a tiny seed
which wish to grow into a tree
to shelter injured souls with a past, a history
Her story was one of struggle and mists
misty tears to tear the heart,
mind, soul apart the tree must grow
to great heights to tell the tales untold
For the children must not be hurt
for the sins were not their own
what did they ever do but to exist
between the loins of Eve
ejected painfully into this world to breathe a life their own
Their lives Short Bittersweet
for dad is not at home
mum goes in and out of a hospital for beautiful minds
a mind which sees angels
in the sacred sky scattered are petals on the street
songs of old delighta soul injured beyond repair
transformed to lotus pink to ride the river of life
And thus she waits
armed with a pencil and a paper
to record her fruits of minds hells and mosaics she drew
with a pen she threatens to kill mere mortals
who stop from her so journ many nurses and auxillary police circled her
and pinned her down to bed tied five points, sedated her wilderness abated
A week and two passed
another two flew by she waits a mother in waiting
to see the seeds she sowed
A visit from two precious seedlings
now 15 and 17 why did they forget her
in her prison of love wasn’t it love that brought here there
or was it hate and despair
It was love and wander lust
it was impulse and desire
to be with a love gone by
answered like a prayer in the gust of the azan sky
A love censored and not terminated in despair
not wanting to hurt her little children and elderly parents no,
not no more
Yet love comes unbidden
love is not dictated as such
petals of frangipani flowers bloom afresh seeds of laughter, love and lusts own anew
Her two seedlings of love crushed
their hearts only the heavens knew
their mum a betrayer of sanity
insanity she drew around her crown of thorns clothes of roses she grew
Her week of wander lust will pay a price, but at what price?
she calls her precious onesat last she appeals their presence
a visit to her prison-haven for loving hearts, beautiful minds
They said Yes, Ma will come a-visitingand she waits,
trustingcards, precious she made for all her loved onesson,
daughter, mother, father to say how sorry she is
how proud she is of her brave ones
Can love be terminated by a week of abscondment?
can love be betrayed by neurotransmitters gone haywire?
a bipolar brain which seeks greater and greater heights
of delusions and insights
And so she waits,
counting the minutes and seconds
a mother loves her brood no doubt
but this was a brooding broodin the throes of teenagehood
Could they be angry?
her daughter if not her son?
Her shadow who has a role model
all of the wrong kind?
Her own mother, her fatigued caregiver comes
her beloved dad more often their child,
their precious
they knew needs them in the most trying of times
Age means wisdom that life has taught countless of times
death of a cherished son at 17 sickness of a brilliant daughter 14 years and counting
When will she heal at last
is there a cure for her disease?
like any other diseases it doesn’t just disappear into thin air no amount of wishing and praying could?
She has tea and cream crackers and writes for she is a writer
her hurts she heals by writing
her secrets she share with the world
her sins told she feels unsure but a little better
For doesn’t everyone sin?
and in mania does it count as sin?
for her sensible mind is cast to the winds
impulse and passion reign supreme
The digital clock ticks
It is now 2.20pm today she has been incarcerated for a month
yet five whole months she has been in and out of her prison
Institute of Mental Hospital
Institute of Mental Happiness
Happiness comes with a pricetears abundant is one of them
free flowing at the oddest times
sobs to tear the heart out
A Buddhist lady hugs her as she prays her morn prayer
“Child, here is only temporary you were sick when you came
but when you go you will be well
take your medicines for they will surely cure you
don’t cry my child for this earth is not forever and surely your stay here will not be forever”
I finished my prayer and returned her hugs
and accepted her gift of rolls of toilet paper
to dry repentant souls and aggrieved hearts
“Auntie, I am not new in this place and game
14 years I have suffered and not
I have rode the highs and lowsI repent to my dear Lord
He never forsakes me and surely never will
He loves me more than I love Him
I cry my heart to Him it relieves the pain dear Aunti
eyes I know my so journ here is temporal like lightning
I count the ticking ticks and tocks
in my mind I wonder will my two little loved ones
come to mummy in hospital
are they tired of this routine?
at least once a year they make this pilgrimage to this inn
This Inn of Happiness leaves trails of tears
it is happiness to me but not to them probably
their tender hearts bleed each time I call them
to meet in my sanctuary a sanatorium for those with aberrant brain chemistry
Surely they have got used to it?
It has been 14 years after all but no this attack was too great
it took five months of their lives away from mummy
never before had an episode lasted so long why mum? why mummy?
Who is taking care of me while you are gone mama?
thank god for grandma and grandpa but they are old already
soon they will be ailing and passing then who will take care of us?
who will take care of you?
We will be adults soon and have our young lives blooming what about you?
how often will you fall sick again?
Mama, again and again?
I know my babiesI
somehow have to hold it togetherI
cannot afford to be sick again
grandpa is getting more ill
diabetes and heart problems and now his kidneys are only 1/3 functioning
By God’s grace and only by His grace
I will find my cure and way
to check this errant monster to cast it to Hell from whence it came
I promise my dear ones I will live my life chaste and pure anew
may Allah not wreak his wrath on me
for all my weaknesses and sins
I can be strong I will be strong
I will summon my every breath
to tame this beast in me
help me my children
love me
be there for me
And so the clock which watches me
says it’s 3.30pm
I wait my children I wait for your love and gift of yourselves
please do come
don’t ever abandon the one who brought you into this world
in pain, love and laughter
please be here for me dearies now and forever
24.3.2012
Epilogue – like clockwork Ayesha and Hykel came when I finished this longest poem of my life.
mentally blessed 